The Declaration of Dependence

Washington, DC - November 4th, 2008
(With apologies to Thomas Jefferson, Ben Franklin, John Adams, and the other founding fathers.)


When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to absolve themselves of personal responsibility and hand sovereign power over all aspects of their lives to faceless bureaucrats, adopt the "some for me, taken from thee" statement of the entitlement mentality, and willingly shackle themselves to the crushing wheel of serfdom and indentured servitute, it is incumbent upon these people to explain to the world why they have opted for bondage.

We have been force-fed these truths by the media, our schools, and the constant bleat of public sentiment, that while no men are created equal, with the proper confiscatory taxation and hobbling of those with greater ability we can ensure that all outcomes are equal; that all people are endowed by the government for as long as Congress shall see fit with rights to life unless they're pre-natal, liberty, as long as they're not speaking against the government, and the goods of their harder working neighbors. -- That to secure these rights, we will enact a police state, justify our powers by allowing the government to increase them at will, and have a press that is so completely subservient to the totalitarian state, --That whenever a government tramples the rights and the liberties of the people, the government shall reach out to crush the dissenters, and the people shall have no right of remedy, or we'll take away your taxpayer funded healthcare. Prudence be damned, the government must be malleable and change to the winds of public opinion polls, so long as said opinion polls agree that the state shall be large; experience has shown that mankind likes to suffer under the yoke of repressive regimes, and, in fact, prefer that to doing anything about changing the unsufferable regimes. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to ask for more such Government, and say they're doing it for the children. Such has been the doe-eyed, mindless following by the masses in our last twenty elections or so, and now comes the necessity to to alter their constraints and consecrate them with a new, more openly oppressive government. The King of Great Britain had nothing on elected officials. Observe:

• Our elected officials pass laws openly in contrast with the principles of self-reliance, individualism, and capitalism under which the Colonies were first formed into a sovereign nation, undermining that which once made us great, in the name of promoting some form of fairness.
• They have suspended the 9th Amendment, taking most legislative initiative away from the governors and congressional bodies of the states.
• They have contorted the equal opportunity, affirmative action, and other Title IX laws to the point where America is essentially an apartheid state, ruled by tiny racial minorities and the absolute terror at the idea of offending them.
• They have appropriated military and governmental transport to get to and from Congress at the expense of the taxpayer, instead of funding cross country jaunts and international junkets out of their campaign chests.
• They have gerrymandered and redistricted along racial and income lines to ensure near 100% incumbency ratios.
• The Congress has labored to allow non-citizens and felons the right to vote and change the outcome of our elections.
• The Congress has passed innumerable taxes, to the point where citizens work for the government from January 1st to July 15th solely to cover that tax burden, and then pay sales taxes on whatever is left.
• They have erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people and eat out their substance. (Hey, when they do the same things King George did, I can just copy and paste from the original.)
• They have affected to render the Military impotent, and answerable to the lawyers of enemy combatants.
• They have imposed tarriffs for the sole purposes of propping up failed domestic businesses, instead of encouraging the competition that strengthen product lines and leads to new innovations and growth.
• They have used trial by media, and distortions of fact, to cripple any who oppose their ideals of total control over our lives.
• They have determined that smoking, trans-fats, and numerous other enjoyable habits are potentially dangerous to the consumer, and therefore illegal.
• They have plundered our treasury, left us unable to mine materials from our own coasts, and denied us energy independence to pander to lunatic religious factions in faraway lands.
• They have used the entitlement mentality to incite riots among us whenever people didn't get what wasn't rightfully theirs.

In every stage of these offenses, a smaller and smaller number of dissenting voices can be heard; the sea of humanity thirsting for unearned rewards, for lives of luxury at the expense of the productive, for earnings with neither risk nor labor - drowns out the voices calling for actual justice, for true fairness, for real liberty; fatigue at railing against an impenetrable wall of selfishness disguised as charity, of despotism disguised as fairness, of injustice paraded as justice is more effective than the bullets of the Redcoats which, while they killed our bodies, did not kill our spirits.

It is not for lack of trying that our message doesn't get heard. However, the press is monolitic in its support of repressive regimes, deciding what information gets made public and what does not, in the hopes of coercing the voters to support the new totalitarian state. A four-decade long war has finally been won by the masters of media; the rise of Internet blogging came too late, after most brains were addled by 15-second attention spans, and a steady diet of pablum and pandering parading as news.

We therefore, as the voters of the United States, formally throw in the towel and accept our new overlords who will force upon us arugula and smoking bans in our homes; who will demand absolute religious worship at the altar of atheism; who will burn as heretics the champions of capitalism; who will destroy an entire global economy to ensure that one person to lazy to learn to read gets a flat-panel TV. We, the Americans, have clearly decided to abdicate personal responsibility and arrange for all of our decisions to be made by the government. We will not rest until every worker is paying 100% of their income to taxes, so that we can all have government provided services for all of our needs. We will welcome the new regulations on what we can see, hear, think and believe. We sign this Declaration of Dependence with our votes this November 4th. Bring on the taxpayer-funded Medicinal Marijuana, I have a pain that will last the rest of my life.